Father’s Day

Happy father’s day to all the fathers who made a difference in a child’s life. I said that because I never saw myself a father until my daughter was born.  I still remember getting off work and racing down to the hospital.  While her mother was in labor, the hospital actually wanted me to fill out forms with her. So, I would ask her questions and she would answer each question with a long pause.  I thought that was the funniest thing.

It weird that having a daughter has made me happy, but also, concerns about her well being. I have never trusted males, even the ones in my family, I have been disappointed by men. Father, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, and stepfathers have made me question  my personality with ridicule or physical assault.

I have thought that having a father or a stepfather to feel in the gaps would make me a better man in my adult life.  It did not. It created a void that I filled with television and pop culture imagery.  I have learned how to be a man from their downfalls.  I thought I would be the perfect man for any woman, but I never learn how to be financially stable.

So, who should I blame:

  • my father for breaking my family apart.
  • my mother for bringing losers into my life.
  • my aunts for not having fathers for my cousins.
  • my uncles for not being available for me.
  • my grandfathers for not being here when I was born.  

Now, I have a son from another woman. I was not there the day he was born but, I was there when they brought him home. His mother and I have split for the same reason my daughter’s mother did not want to be with me: stability.  So, I must wander the world as a lone father figure once again. This was my son first Father’s day and I wanted both of my kids to meet.  It would be special moment but My daughter doesn’t want to meet her new brother.  So I will see them separately once again.

Fatherhood is a journey I have never had a chance to be full participant.  But I have kids and I want them to know that I will be there when they need me.  I will go to the party, I will take them on vacations, I will go to their shows, and  I will be in their lives.

 

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